Disney World

Before I begin explaining our lengthy trip to and from Disney World, I'd like to first issue an apology.

I apologize to all those people who said that it might be better if we wait a couple more years to take our children to Disney World as it might be more than they can handle.  Instead of really considering your advice, I decided to be selfish and go anyway, as it was going to be my first time there also.  My wife and I were very excited, you see, and therefore were not influenced with rational thought.

With that said, the road trip happened, and we set off to Disney World with the minivan packed to near capacity with clothes, coolers, swimsuits and snacks.  We had it packed so much that the kids had to enter and exit through the rear of the van using carefully selected choreography so that nothing got broken or ripped.

The first stop?  The kids' pediatrician because AJ was coughing badly, as was Madison but she had already seen the doctor the day before.  Madison had a bit of bronchitis and AJ turned out just to have bad cough.  Unfortunately, the bad coughing turned into fits of coughing and ultimately sessions of throwing up.  This not a fun thing to deal with during a long road trip.  The stops are frequent, the days are long, and the stress is phenomenal.  After stops in Virginia and Georgia, and a few buckets of regurgitated mucus and food, we finally made it to Florida.  We were staying at a timeshare in Kissimmee.

This was the first time in Florida for the kids, as well as me.  My wife has been there a few times before.  First impressions of the place is that the wild lizards outnumber the emaciated squirrels something like 200 to 1.  Also, it is really humid...it reminded me of Cancun.  Third, I saw palm trees and that's about it (where's all the orange trees?)  The final big thing that stood out were the enormous birds...some looked like vultures.  Anyway, the pool and the lizards could have kept the kids entertained the whole week we were there no problem, but we had to go and throw in three days at Disney for good measure.

Day 1 was at the Magic Kingdom, I had a regimented plan to see the most attractions with the least amount of waiting.  That all got thrown out the window because we all had to adjust to the 103 degree weather and 5,000 miles of walking necessary to negotiate Walt's parking lot of doom.  You spend about 1 hour just getting to the god damn park with all the walking, monorails, boats, and crowd surfing it takes to get to the front gate.

Once you're inside, of course you have to stop and go to the bathroom, in which the psycho adult Disney enthusiasts with no kids pass you by, and begin making the lines an average of 30 minute wait times.  I don't care what anyone says, but grown adults going to Disney World year after year with the same giddy excitement need to get some help.  There is nothing in that park worth getting that excited over. unless you're like me, and have the hots Ariel and Belle.  Even then, I've seen them once and that's plenty for the rest of my life.

Alright, back to us.  We had gone on about four different attractions, drank 5 gallons of water, and used up a bottle of sunscreen by 5pm.  Tina, Madison, and AJ were literally pink from the sunstroke they were about to suffer, and Bailey had passed out perhaps from a combination of heat exhaustion and dehydration.  I was my usual sweaty mess, and when I would accidentally run into someone or bump them I'd hear "EWWW!" and watch them wipe the sweat from their arm frantically as if my sweat were burning a hole through there flesh.

We decided to leave, but its not that simple, you have to do the whole return to your car walk of shame again.  At one point AJ literally fell to the ground and said "Daddy, I can't go any further, I just can't!"  He started to cry, I wanted to also but I had no more fluid left in my body to produce tears.  Tina ended up carrying him while I pushed the stroller which felt like I was pushing a monster truck because it had diaper bag, lunch bag, and various other Disney bags attached to it.

We finally made it to the van that was a toasty 250 degrees after sitting in the sun all day.  We all got in, pointed the vents to our faces and headed for the resort.  As we walked to the door, several lizards were running around and the kids took the time to observe them.  I ran to our door and tried frantically to unlock it because there is nothing better than walking through that door and feeling the chill of the air conditioning all over your body.  Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Day 2 was just as hot, but we arrived much earlier and got to see a lot more of the Magic Kingdom.  AJ got to be in the play that involved Belle, and got a hug from her (Lucky!).  We rode most of the rides and saw most of the shows.  We had lunch with the characters from Winnie The Pooh.  We watched the parade and then the fireworks.  It was during the exit from the park during the night that we got to see how nasty and ugly people can be no matter where they are.  We decided to take the ferry back to the parking lot because it was moving along faster than the monorail.  The crowds of people were immense and they were pushing and shoving (mostly the adults mind you), yelling, cursing...very classy.  Anyway, they pack you like sardines on these boats and then you run for your car because while it is no longer very hot anymore, the soles of your feet have become one with the inside of your shoes due to the vast amounts of walking all day.  All you want to do is sit down.

I'm forgetting a vital part of the first two days that made things a bit more miserable than they already were due to the elements and some of the assholes wandering the park.  That's our children.  The complaining, whining, requesting, and crying was over the top.  Disney has things set up so that after every ride or attractions you're led into a store where kids' eyes light up and parents' wallets and hearts weep.  Of course they want this, and they want that, and that, and that too, oh yeah, and that!  Its a public place too, so they will try everything from screaming, to crying, to running away forever, to not moving from where they are.  I had to start using my ninja hair pulls and squeezing the hand very tightly maneuvers to get them to move, especially my son.  I didn't feel bad about doing it either because I saw some mothers and fathers lay some hardcore ass whoopings on their children right there in the open.  I wonder if that's what Walt envisioned when he thought about families in his theme parks?

On the third day we went to Hollywood Studios.  This place is a nightmare because there are hardly any rides and if it rains, they shut a lot of things down.  I signed AJ up for the Jedi training, and just as they got their light sabers, it started raining and they shut it down.  All the kids cried, and cried, and cried.  As a consolation they let them take a photo with Darth Vader and two Storm Troopers...but that sucks compared to the actual training.  Also, due to the rain, they shut down the Honey I Shrunk The Kids play area.  We ended up doing the Toy Story Mania ride which was pretty cool, the Star Tours ride which is also cool, and a backstage demo of the studio which was okay but nothing spectacular.  There were only a couple of other things to do in the park but because they schedule all the shows at the same time, its hard to get to and from each one to make the other.  The best part of the day was the funnel cakes and ice cream from the Indian Jones concession stand.  Parking wasn't as much of a hassle either, and we ended up getting out of there in the early evening.

That was it as far as the parks go.  Hot, humid, crying, whining, aching, coughing with occasional happiness stemming from food, air conditioning, the pool, and lizards.

Bottom line, we've been to Disney, and we may only go back when the baby is older, but that's about it.