I remember it being very cold and wintry on that dreadful first day. Madison, who normally slept until 8:00 a.m, woke from her warm, safe slumber at 6:00 a.m. Not by her own will, but from the voices coming from the darkness, insisting that it's "time to get up."
"Surely they must be mistaken!" is what Madison was probably thinking as she rolled to her side and cuddled into the blankets. Soon though, the voices grew louder and lights began appearing from the hallway shining fiery rays upon Madison's now half-shut eyes. In the distance a dog named Luna barked to go outside, and it was then that Madison realized this was no mistake. Her mother, father, and even her dog had lost their minds and were waking up before the sun had even risen.
Madison's hell was only beginning. Her eyes had barely opened and suddenly she was being whisked away to the changing table. There she was washed, powdered, diapered, and finally clothed. Throughout the process Tina was speaking words of encouragement.
"Are you going to have fun at school?..."You're such a big girl"..."You look so pretty!"
"School? What the hell is this school you speak of, mother?" Madison began to panic. She now knew this was no routine diaper changing, that will eventually lead her back to the dark, calm room and a nipple in her mouth. No, she was being prepped for something, and whatever it was scared her. Not knowing how to express herself with phrases like "I think you're making a big mistake, mommy and daddy. Please, lets wait a few months!" Madison instead started to cry.
Meanwhile, in another part of the house, I'm running around frantically making sure I'm armed with the necessary equipment for my first born to survive day care. Holy Crap! there's a lot a kid needs for just one day. Two full diaper bags, one bouncy seat, and two hernias later the truck is loaded and started in order to warm-up in the frigid weather.
Back inside, Madison's cries have subsided and she's buckled safely into her car seat, playing with her favorite frog toy. She obviously accepted that she was not going back to sleep and looked at this as a fun new adventure. I took three deep breaths and picked up the car seat which now seemed to weigh a good fifty pounds. I am so confused as to why with today's technology, they can't find a better material to use other than heavy gauge plastic! For the price you pay for them they should be using Titanium! Anyway, final goodbyes and kisses were given, and Madison and I were off on the eight minute ride that brought us to the day care.
During those eight minutes, I thought about a lot of things. A little bit about the job, but mostly about Madison and how we were both going to endure this day. I figured she'd cry a little bit in the beginning and then once I was gone she'd be playing and laughing like all the other babies. I couldn't have been more wrong.
In the short time it took us to arrive to our destination, Madison had fallen asleep. I covered her carrier with a blanket, grabbed all the gear and headed inside. I got all signed in and made my way through the corridor which led to the nursery. It was early and most of the kids had not arrived yet, so there was an eerie silence surrounding us. You could hear my new, steel toed work shoes make a squeegee like noise with every step. For some reason the walls seemed to cave in and out with each step as we got closer to the door.
I was at the door now and I peaked into the window... no one was there yet. I opened the door and walked in, placing the carrier atop one of the tables. I peaked under the blanket to find Madison still sleeping. I slowly unveiled the blanket and pushed back the carrier handle, but the locking mechanism clicked loudly into place and Madison's eyes popped open. She quickly leaned forward and her eyes darted left and right, checking out the bright lights of the new room.
"Daddy, what is this place? Why did you bring me here?" was written all over her face as her eyes finally made contact with mine. I unfastened her shoulder strap and she quickly held her arms out to me so that I would pick her up. If the fear in her eyes didn't show enough how nervous she was, the grip on my jacket did. At that moment it would have taken every teacher in the school to tear me from Madison's grasp. As I removed her sweater, I could feel her little heart beating, as if it were fluttering as fast as a hummingbird's wings. At that precise moment my own nerves began to tighten and I had to bite my lip to keep it from trembling. My little baby girl was scared, and it was only going to get worse.
While I was waiting for the first teacher to arrive, I walked around with Madison to help her get acquainted with the room. We looked at the cribs and I pointed out hers. There were lots of toys to play with, and little activity pads that could be placed about the room. We looked out the window at the cars in the street, and then I sat down with her and gave her a few Cheerios, which she loved. Finally, the first teacher arrived, we'll call her Ms. V. She introduced herself and said hello to Madison. Madison did not react, but only stared at her, and then at me, trying to understand what was happening.
It was getting close to the time that I needed to get into the kitchen and start learning my new routine. By this time other babies had arrived and a few more teachers. I had to force myself to start trying to hand Madison over to one of the teachers. One of the teachers even looked at me and told me that I didn't have to worry, she'll be okay with them. Much easier said than done. I had to force myself to try and hand her over to one of the teachers. Madison nearly jumped back into my embrace and buried her face into my shoulder, holding on for dear life. She would poke her head up quickly to see if she was still in the same place, as if she was checking to see if the nightmare was over. I held on tighter, trying to reassure her that its okay, I was still there. At this point my own heart is starting to crack and fall to pieces. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't know how much it was going to hurt.
I attempted again to hand her over, and this time the teacher sort of ripped her from my grasp. Madison's eyes never left mine as she started to cry, she actually watched me the whole time she was being taken from my arms. She kicked and pounded her hands trying to push herself away from the teacher and then tried to reach her arms out to me. My eyes then began to glaze over, but the dams hadn't broken just yet. I quickly Madison back and this time she hugged me tight as her sobs turned to the short, sorrowful breaths that babies make when they are scared.
My heart was absolutely torn in two by the final attempt to hand her over. This time I had to close my eyes while I did it. It didn't help though, because I could see her face in my mind and it was just as sorrowful. I couldn't turn my ears off either, so I could hear her cry for daddy turn to a scream of terror. When I finally opened my eyes, Madison was clawing, kicking, screaming to get back to me...and all I could do was walk away. My baby who I had spent the last six months in close quarters with, was screaming with fear "dah dah dah dah dah dah dah!!!", reaching out her arms for me. Her eyes had gone from normal light baby blue, to a dark murky blueish gray, and tears streamed down her cheeks like tiny rivers. And all I could do was walk away towards the door and leave her behind to fend for herself among the strangers. I bowed my head and took several short breaths in order to fight my own sobs. Before I opened the door to leave, I turned my head one last time and waved good-bye to Madison. I couldn't speak, and even if I could my words would have come out as squeaks. I quickly opened the door and walked out and walked quickly to the break room to hang up my jacket.
I thought I would be safe there, to pull myself together in some silence. Unfortunately, the break room was next to the nursery wall, and whose screams did I hear on the other side? You guessed it...Madison's. I quickly hung up my jacket and fumbled in the pockets for my phone. I had to call Tina and give her an update as to how things went. My hands were shaking as I dialed the number. I got Tina's voicemail, so I started to sum up the events that had just taken place. I don't know if you've seen Dane Cook's "Vicious Circle" stand-up special on HBO, but he does a bit on hard cries and the things that lead up to it. At one point he talks about the "pre-cry breaths" and basically makes a sound like that of catching your breath several times in a row. That is basically what I was doing by the end of the message to Tina. I'm not even sure what I was saying was audible. When I was finished blubbering, I quickly hung up the phone. Only to hear Madison's sobbing on the other side of the wall. There was a deep, deep pain where my now absent heart once was. I could no longer keep the feelings suppressed, and there in the break room, my face hidden in my hanging jacket...I weeped momentarily for my little girl.
That first day, I was able to leave my job duties whenever I wanted, in order to stop in and see Madison. I don't know if this was any better than letting her go the first time. When I did go into the nursery, there she was sitting on the floor with a couple toys laying around her, crying and sniffling...you know the kind of sniffles after you've cried for hours straight and have nothing left. Then she would see me and just start sobbing as if to say "Why daddy! Why did you leave me!" When I picked her up she just collapsed. She was so upset she didn't even eat unless I fed her, so when I did go in to visit, she would eat and sleep while I held her. Unfortunately, I had to give her back and it was the same thing over again. Only God knows how, but we both made it through that day. If my Dad had to go through anything like this with me, well, now I know why his hands shake so bad now.
On the bright side, Madison has adjusted quite well and is enjoying herself at the day care. She still gets clingy in the morning, but that's because she's not a morning person, like her father. I have to give Tina a lot of credit in all this too. She probably felt more helpless than I, seeing that she had to hear all of these things second hand and try and keep me calm at the same time as herself. Have I mentioned being a parent is tough?
