Four Words

I posted something on Facebook the other day, and this is more complete description of how my day began on June, 17 2011.

"Daddy! AJ did something."

I awoke suddenly, I must have fallen back to sleep after Tina left for work. As I'm trying to open my eyes, I mutter to Madison who is looking at me with worry laced excitement. "What did he do?"

"He wrote all over the couch with a green crayon!"

"What!!! AJaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

Any sleep left in my body, was quickly and harshly shaken and now anger and terror of what I was about to walk into was rushing through me. I jumped out of bed, literally...you know, like those martial arts guys who spring to their feet after they get knocked to the ground? Madison booked it quickly out to the living room. She knows what's about to happen, and as always she wants a front row seat to the action. I get to the hallway and head directly into the bathroom. Can't yell at kids with a full bladder, you know? I could hear Madison faintly giving AJ a speech that went something like "AJ, you know you're not supposed to do that, and now you're in so much trouble! Why did you do that? You know you're not supposed to use the crayons!" Remember that part, its important later.

I finish in the bathroom, and head out to see the damage. AJ is standing in the corner, awaiting whatever wrath he knows is coming. Madison kindly directs me to the crime scene with her hands waving. I look at the couch and about a third of it is covered in dark green crayon. Not just lines drawn, he actually colored pieces of the couch AND cushions completely. Oh, and in case you're wondering, we have a light tan micro fiber couch and love seat combo in which the seat cushions cannot be removed. Yeah, holy shit is right.

It is at this time that I close my eyes and look to the ceiling. I felt the enamel on my teeth begin to crack from how hard I was clenching my teeth. I sound then came out of my mouth, I'm not sure what kind of sound it was. If guess if you combined a dog whimper and the sound you make when you're constipated and trying to squeeze something out, then you'd get the sound I made.

"What did you dooooo AJ!!! Why do you have a crayon! Didn't Mommy tell you you're never to have anything to write with ever, again? Look what you did to the couch!"

Yes, this all came out in one large statement, in which AJ. now with a look of complete terror on his face simply said "I'm sorry." Well, that obviously wasn't going to be good enough for me so I sent him to his room...forever. I was approaching that point where I might just start laughing hysterically and throwing furniture, children, dogs, appliances in every direction. Therefore, I just sent him away while screaming reprimands of what he should and should not be doing. During this period of freakout, Madison is standing safely in the distance shaking her head. I'm surprised she didn't have a bucket of popcorn with her.

AJ is crying in his room, temporarily ashamed of what he did. I get the spray stain remover and go to town on the couch and cushions, praying...sweating...cursing under my breath. AJ then comes out of the room and asks if he's done in time out, I repeat that he's going to be in there forever. He runs to his bed and starts wailing out a cry that not only isn't sincere, but signals that fact that he's forgotten the initial crime. I then go and get the carpet cleaner out of the closet.

"Daddy, what's that?" AJ says very happily (see, he wasn't truly sorry, he was just waiting for something else to turn his attention to.) I said not to worry about it and go back to bed. Again, more fake crying. I have to fill up the tank with water, add detergent...wait, no more detergent? SHIT! Oh well, going to see if that stain spray is as good as it says it is. I then switch it on and the loud roar is actually a pleasure to my ears as it blocks the sound of any child's voice within earshot. I use the little attachment and begin relentless scrubbing, rinsing, and sucking the couch and cushions. It took me about a half hour to get everything clean.

When I turn off the cleaner, I look to see that Madison and AJ have forgotten everything and are jumping off their beds in the bedroom. At this point I'm too tired to tell them what they are doing is dangerous, and start putting the machine away. As I'm cleaning out the tank, I ask AJ where he got the crayons from. Madison immediately answers for him and says "I got it for him, but I didn't know that he would do that though." Wait, what the hell? You did what?

She knew...SHE KNEW she was not to get him any sort of writing object. This little girl scolded her brother for using the crayon that she provided for him, knowing that she wasn't supposed to give it to him at all. I can't prove it, but I swear I think she set him up! Needless to say, my scolding was not over yet and I let her have a few choice words also. I stopped just short of saying that I was going to burn every writing object in the house in the fire pit and roast marshmallows over the fire that it creates. Yeah, I was pretty mad.

It was one of the worst morning ever, and things could only get better, right?

WRONG!